2/11/10

First week of classes done! I can get some sleep now! In some ways, teaching at Santisuk is not as stressful as I thought it would be, and in some ways more. I haven’t been nervous speaking in front of people (7 in my morning class and 12 in my night class), and I’ve even been able to let loose and have fun playing games with my students. But it’s hard fitting each part of the lesson into the correct time frame and making the material interesting. And I think the worst thing is the expectation that I get to know my students outside of class and plan two class parties for each class. I’m honestly not sure I have the guts to do it. I invited one class to join me for dinner one night and no one showed up. I’ve been hanging out a little with some students in other classes—I hope that counts, haha. There’s Em and Te and Top, none of whom speak English well enough for conversations, and Som and Nit, who are level 3 or 4 students and are teaching me some Thai. Most of my own students are in their 30’s or older and a lot of them work right after class.

So far this week I’ve spent large chunks of the afternoon alone in the apartment. I feel lame and guilty, but I can only extend myself so far before I shut down or start crying.

If I had known ahead of time how hard it would be here, I wouldn’t have come. So I guess it’s good I had no idea. I knew it would suck to keep doing the long-distance relationship thing with Isaac instead of actually being together, but even that is more difficult than I could have imagined. I’m realizing how much of my reason for coming here was selfish—personal enrichment—and it’s really getting in the way of selflessly serving others. But the more I stress about how self-centered I am, the more I think about myself and the less I can love others. It’s an exhausting cycle.

I wonder if Americans struggle with culture shock so much because we are so individualistic and so in tune with our own feelings. And because we are used to having our comforts just the way we like them.

I love 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” It seems so backwards…. Christians are weird! And yet I would choose this backwards kingdom over any false sense of peace and satisfaction the world can offer.