Catch up day

Ok, wow, lots to talk about.

First, on the whole marriage thing. Isaac and I have been through quite the journey over the past 2 years since we first met, as everyone reading this probably knows. Throughout our whole relationship, I've been waiting for some miraculous "aha" moment where I suddenly knew he was "the one" for me. Honestly, it never happened. We have struggled a ton with my doubt issues, we broke up over the summer, we analyzed everything from every angle, we talked everything to death, we've prayed and prayed and prayed. Really, we've been through the wringer. Since moving to Spokane and giving our relationship another serious go, God has been working in really amazing ways, reshaping my idealism and expectations for marriage and a "soul mate," teaching us what His plan really is for marriage, how it's so much bigger than just finding happiness in each other. We've been overwhelmingly blessed by community--from our families and friends who've known us for years to our new church family in Spokane to counselors with an objective and godly perspective of marriage. Will I ever really be "sure" the way I thought I'd be? Will I be totally free of fear about marriage? I don't think so. But do I know that Isaac is an incredible man of God, that he challenges and supports me, that I love Christ more because of him, that our life vision fits together, that we have fun together, that we can make it through anything? Yes. It's still scary and overwhelming sometimes to think about spending the rest of my life with one person, but I'm becoming more and more ready--and, miraculously, even excited--to make that commitment. It's a huge lesson in trust and hard work.

Second, on the proposal. Because everyone asks me about it and apparently it's pretty important ;) I told Isaac that I was finally ready, that if he proposed I would say yes, and that weekend (since he wasn't going to waste any time!), he made lunch for us at his apartment. He said he had a video to show me, and it was a song he had written and then sang and played on the guitar (which I posted a few days ago). After we watched it and he sang along with it, he got down on one knee and asked if I would marry him. I said yes and cried (it was fairly nerve-racking for me), and he gave me a toy "engagement elephant" (we had decided to pick out rings together). Emotionally, it was different than I'd always imagined. So many crazy emotions. I was instantly overwhelmed and not excited about calling everyone to tell them. It took me a couple days to just let it sink in before I even got excited and was ready to talk about it. Now I'm pretty excited :) and only sometimes overwhelmed by the idea of planning.

Third, on doing things differently. Our friends Erica and Aaron agree that Isaac and I are and will be a couple who do things in a unique way, and I love that idea, as difficult as it is at times. Our relationship for me has been marked by a painful stripping away of all my expectations: What, dating is not about finding someone who fulfills me? He's not perfect? It's ok that I still fight anxiety? We don't have to look or feel like other couples? Love isn't a consistent feeling but a continual commitment? Engagement isn't mainly to plan a wedding but to prepare for a new life? Nothing has looked like I thought, but I know God has unique plans for us that are so much deeper than I could have imagined.

I'm having an interesting battle with American culture right now, a little frustrated that a wedding is supposed to look a certain way. Part of me wants to get swept up in planning--and after all, a healthy dose of excitement is a great thing--but mostly we're really thinking through wedding traditions, from diamond rings to $500 dresses to bridal showers, and trying to figure out which parts we shouldn't just pitch out the window. Our conclusion is that a wedding is not about me looking great in a dress but about inviting our loved ones into a celebration of what God has done and is going to do in us together for the rest of our lives. That's a pretty big reason to have a party.

Fourth, on the rest of life. Insane. Like 7:30 am-10:30 pm every weekday with maybe an hour break. Which is why I haven't really blogged since school started up again. My new GSA job in the Writers' Center is going well, though a little difficult because I don't have much instruction and have to basically make up my own projects. The Getlit! internship is as busy as usual, with my big deadline coming up at the end of January. My other internship with Willow Springs Books is pretty slow right now. Workshop is exhausting. Yoga's good. Rock climbing's good. Church is great. Zumba is fun. Friends are wonderful. Wedding planning is sort of just there, simmering.